I'm back. I just needed to pull the plug on AIM, facebook, xanga, and people for awhile.
A few hours after my last entry, I had a panic attack, and just had a huge mental breakdown. I spent the rest of the weekend curled up in the fetal position on my bed, crying. And when I wasn't doing that, I was on the phone with my aunt, or with one of my parents, discussing what I should do.
This has been going on for several years now, and a little over a year ago, it became so severe that it's really been interfering with my life and my ability to live normally. My aunt helped me to analyze what I was going through, and that's when I realized that my symptoms seem to follow a pattern - for about 3 months I'll be "normal," and then I'll go through a period of anxiety, panic attacks, and almost debilitating depression for 2 or 3 weeks. Then just as quickly as it started, it stops, and I'm normal again.
Until now, I had always thought that these were just "phases," and I could deal with them because they didn't last long. But this time, as my body was convulsing on my bed, as I struggled to catch my breath, and as my eyes nearly rolled back into my head, I realized "I can't keep living like this." For the past week, I've been fine, so this episode has passed like the others. But yesterday, I finally saw a psychiatrist, and I've been prescribed a course of therapy and some medication. I don't really have an official-sounding diagnosis yet - basically just "episodes of mixed depression/anxiety." Catchy, right? But I feel better that I've at least taken some steps to reclaim control over my life.
Anyways, I apologize again for my absence. Now that I'm feeling more like myself, I'll be around here more, I promise.
I know I haven't been around for a few weeks. I'm sorry, it's just... life happened. I'll get around to answering everyone's messages, catching up on blogs, & posting about what I've been up to, within the next couple days.
Right now I'm just not feeling great. I think I'm having anxiety/depression problems again, as of last night. I feel horribly hollow, and I can't shake the feeling that I've fucked up my life beyond repair - even though things are no different than they were a few days ago. I think I need to see a counselor. Or maybe just talk to a few people that I have unresolved issues with. Maybe that will help me feel more at peace.
Well I'm gonna call my aunt in baltimore. She's suffered from the same mental issues that seem to plague women in the Greek half of our family. Somehow the rest of my immediate family managed to escape those genetics. But yeah, she always makes me feel less crazy.
Oh Jay~ how do you always know exactly what to say?
We've been friends since last spring. From day one, people had to practically drag us apart to get us to stop talking at work, lol. He's always been the type of person that I could hang out with all day and never get bored for a second. I can talk to him about pretty much anything.
You think you have a person all figured out... and then you discover something even more profound about them. It's like a "friendship epiphany"... when they finally reveal to you something they've been keeping from the world, and you find out that you both have that secret in common.
Over the past couple weeks, I've found out that I have more in common with one of my friends than I thought. Here I thought that he had it all together, and I'm such a loser - but it turns out, he thought the same thing in reverse. When the walls all fall, and you find out you have the same issues, the same fears, there's a sense of relief. It's comforting to have someone else dealing with the same internal struggles that you are. When you can encourage each other toward the same goal, you feel less alone.
What is the best way to show someone that you love them?
The best way to show someone you love them is to remember that actions speak louder than words.
Make the other person a priority. Few people have copious amounts of free time laying around. Most of the time, one must make time for other people. If someone matters enough to you, then show them that they are worth your time.
The other thing to remember is that it's the little things that count.
Sure, extravagant dinners and pricey jewelry are nice once in awhile. But offering these things doesn't mean you get to skip out on the day to day aspects of a relationship. In my opinion, it's much more thoughtful to do things that will improve your partner's well-being on a regular basis. Take out the garbage (without being asked 5 times first), clean the bathroom (without missing spots so you can get done faster). If your significant other is having a crisis, offer a shoulder to cry on for however long they need it, instead of a pat on the back and a "well, I have work to do..." Do favors that are unselfish and will lessen your partner's burden.
If my ex would have done just these two things, that would have been enough to keep me from breaking things off.
